There IS a next step.
I must admit I've been running from it. In the past year and a half, my mind has been a pendulum on issues of faith, purpose, relationships, meaning, work, etc... I've considered (and accepted) thoughts I never would have predicted and eliminated thoughts I never thought possible. This is the type of reconstruction I assume comes from massive life-changing events, or possibly during those moment of clarity half way through life when you analyze everything and every person around you and begin evaluating their meaning. Then four months pass and you realize you have to start over and try again.
I was silently scared of this grey zone, this bermuda triangle of thinking, where no matter what answer you come up with you still felt lost for a directional heading. It's not that I've reconsidered all that I knew (or maybe I did that too) but a year and a half later you eventually settle on your core centers and beliefs. Now it's time to reconsider the smaller items, the patterns, the habits, the rituals that, over time, add up to make individual lives. I've spent months reconsidering these items I would have preferred to look past in an attempt to 'make things normal again'. But things will never go back to 'normal' again. At least that is what I'm hoping for.
It's been painfully valuable, but I'm starting to become appreciative of this time where no stone can go unturned. I don't know what it would take in your life to go through this, but it's worth it. Seems like I've been through a deconstruction. I feel like a city recovering from a bombing raid. For a while you mourn, become angry, gather your thoughts, consider the damages, throw things away, make amends, but eventually... you realize that it's time to rebuild.
And now, I am coming to this place of action. The type of action where I've run so many ideas around the block a few times to see if they have any legs, and eventually you decide to start making small steps forward. However, these steps are in new directions and you're unfamiliar with what happens next. No, things can't go back how they used you be. You tried that. You can't pretend that certain life lessons learned in the bright light of reality can be unlearned if enough time passes. It's not time to go over again what happened in the past, not to re-analyze my current situation and/or possibilities, but to take steps forward and when necessary, make slight changes to this new vector.
