I have to admit that I've been somewhat dreading this post. For some reason, sharing it with everyone really makes it seem like it's actually a reality.
As of May 1, I have 'officially' started back on my pancreatic enzyme deficiency treatment. This also means that I've returned to the super-strict diet (no meat, no alcohol, no dairy, no grains, no sugar, no thai food, no hot wings, etc...) Here is a link to a previous post where I explain this treatment in detail. Knowing me, that post is probably the size of a Russian novel, so here's the abbreviated version:
I have cancer in my brain. This alternative theory states that all cancer is caused by a faulty pancreas, hence why pancreatic cancer is the worst of all cancers. This cancer formed because my pancreas doesn't produce the appropriate enzymes the typical body uses to fight and excrete cancer/toxins. My pancreatic failure is due to a unique list of personal issues quite fascinating to me, yet most likely boring to you, so I'll skip it.
So, I am giving my pancreas a leave of absence. Instead of forcing it to digest meat, grains, lactose, etc... I'm allowing it to rest by avoiding these foods, and over time, heal. In addition, I am taking about 150 pills a day. About half of these are the specific natural enzymes that my body is no longer creating. The goal is to flood my system with these enzymes that metabolize bad cells (i.e. toxins, cancer cells, etc...). This will cause the toxins stored in my body to be let loose which means that I have to detox constantly to avoid a build up of toxins in my system. When my pancreas is returned to health, it will naturally produce the enzymes to fight cancer in my body. Tumor naturally metabolizes and deteriorates. Ta-dah! Then we drink champagne.
It was my hope that my previous 8 months on this treatment would be a good indicator of whether or not this was working. There are a few key indicator numbers like HCG and PHI that serve as indicators of cancer behavior within the body measured through blood and urine tests. After my previous 8 months on this treatment, my numbers were cut in half! Great news! But, alas, we took a break from the treatment for a variety of reasons, namely emotional and financial breaks.
However, Amy and I have had that gut feeling that it's time to get back on the treatment. I took the blood/urine test to see where my numbers were and they are already starting to increase again. In other words, over 8 months I took 2 steps forward cutting my numbers in half, seeing a serious increase in the health and productivity of my digestive organs. But in last following 8 months, I took a step backwards. So I'm hopping back on the treatment to see how much progress we can make over a 12-18 month period.
I was reading in 'My Utmost for His Highest' by Oswald Chambers this morning, which somehow is always so pertinent to what I'm going through. I swear the daily devotionals must always be switching themselves around while sitting on the shelf, prepping the appropriate message for the appropriate days. Today's thoughts discussed being set free from from self-pity. I admit that self-pity comes barreling into my life when I start on this treatment. "This is dumb. My life sucks. Why do I have to donate 4-5 hours a day to this treatment? Why me? God, I could be so much more useful for you if you'd just give me the chance to use my 'full potential'." Blah Blah Blah...
It's really easy to get focused on ME and MY plans while dealing with this schedule. Oswald says that self-pity turns us into spiritual sponges, taking and taking but never giving anything away. Oswald... you're killing me with this, but you're right.
So for the record, May 1 will serve as the beginning of this treatment round. The goal, knowing God will provide the grace needed to make it through, will be to go 12-18 months on this plan. Amy and I could use your prayers during this time. It's always a struggle to be so disciplined when we typically have been blessed with so much freedom and independence in our life.
Admitting to this plan makes me want to slam my fist on the table, type a few choice curse words then throw my computer out of the window, because it feels like 'life', my joie de vivre, is being sucked from my bones. In order to live, I must die to myself, to my life, to my desires, to my time, so that I can fight this cancer.
In order to live, I must die. Seems vaguely familiar, no? It's a pretty poignant example for what it means to follow Jesus. I would have simply preferred the flannel-graph metaphorical version. But let's face it, none of really ever paid attention to flannel-graph.
I must agree with @jaredcwilson, who shared via twitter this morning,"This is good for my sanctification. This is good for my sanctification. This is good for my sanctification."
I already know this deep down. I just have to get over myself and truly accept it.
