Jump David Jump

Last Week's Post (Plus Today's Courage)

(Side-note: Chose not to post this last week because I was a wuss. Chose to post it today.)

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I had a seizure today. I have small seizures nearly every day, but this one was a little more intense. Initially, I wanted to hide it from the world because I would hate for you to think that things are getting worse for me. Or judge me for not making good decisions about my treatments, or talk to your spouse about how you saw me drinking a beer with some friends, so therefore I must not be sticking with my treatments. These are the reasons we (or at least, I) hide things from others. Fear of being judged. 

Since I felt the need to hide this information, to sweep it under the rug, I've randomly decided to do the opposite. To take this moment that preferably I'd like to hide away, pair it with the freeing realization that washed over me afterwards, and share it with you now. To, once again, make myself vulnerable to you and to myself. It's been awhile. 

Round 2!

I have to admit that I've been somewhat dreading this post. For some reason, sharing it with everyone really makes it seem like it's actually a reality.

As of May 1, I have 'officially' started back on my pancreatic enzyme deficiency treatment. This also means that I've returned to the super-strict diet (no meat, no alcohol, no dairy, no grains, no sugar, no thai food, no hot wings, etc...) Here is a link to a previous post where I explain this treatment in detail. Knowing me, that post is probably the size of a Russian novel, so here's the abbreviated version:

I have cancer in my brain. This alternative theory states that all cancer is caused by a faulty pancreas, hence why pancreatic cancer is the worst of all cancers. This cancer formed because my pancreas doesn't produce the appropriate enzymes the typical body uses to fight and excrete cancer/toxins. My pancreatic failure is due to a unique list of personal issues quite fascinating to me, yet most likely boring to you, so I'll skip it.

So, I am giving my pancreas a leave of absence. Instead of forcing it to digest meat, grains, lactose, etc... I'm allowing it to rest by avoiding these foods, and over time, heal. In addition, I am taking about 150 pills a day. About half of these are the specific natural enzymes that my body is no longer creating. The goal is to flood my system with these enzymes that metabolize bad cells (i.e. toxins, cancer cells, etc...). This will cause the toxins stored in my body to be let loose which means that I have to detox constantly to avoid a build up of toxins in my system. When my pancreas is returned to health, it will naturally produce the enzymes to fight cancer in my body. Tumor naturally metabolizes and deteriorates. Ta-dah! Then we drink champagne.

It was my hope that my previous 8 months on this treatment would be a good indicator of whether or not this was working. There are a few key indicator numbers like HCG and PHI that serve as indicators of cancer behavior within the body measured through blood and urine tests. After my previous 8 months on this treatment, my numbers were cut in half! Great news! But, alas, we took a break from the treatment for a variety of reasons, namely emotional and financial breaks.

However, Amy and I have had that gut feeling that it's time to get back on the treatment. I took the blood/urine test to see where my numbers were and they are already starting to increase again. In other words, over 8 months I took 2 steps forward cutting my numbers in half, seeing a serious increase in the health and productivity of my digestive organs. But in last following 8 months, I took a step backwards. So I'm hopping back on the treatment to see how much progress we can make over a 12-18 month period. 

I was reading in 'My Utmost for His Highest' by Oswald Chambers this morning, which somehow is always so pertinent to what I'm going through. I swear the daily devotionals must always be switching themselves around while sitting on the shelf, prepping the appropriate message for the appropriate days. Today's thoughts discussed being set free from from self-pity. I admit that self-pity comes barreling into my life when I start on this treatment. "This is dumb. My life sucks. Why do I have to donate 4-5 hours a day to this treatment? Why me? God, I could be so much more useful for you if you'd just give me the chance to use my 'full potential'." Blah Blah Blah...

It's really easy to get focused on ME and MY plans while dealing with this schedule. Oswald says that self-pity turns us into spiritual sponges, taking and taking but never giving anything away. Oswald... you're killing me with this, but you're right.

So for the record, May 1 will serve as the beginning of this treatment round. The goal, knowing God will provide the grace needed to make it through, will be to go 12-18 months on this plan. Amy and I could use your prayers during this time. It's always a struggle to be so disciplined when we typically have been blessed with so much freedom and independence in our life.

Admitting to this plan makes me want to slam my fist on the table, type a few choice curse words then throw my computer out of the window, because it feels like 'life', my joie de vivre, is being sucked from my bones. In order to live, I must die to myself, to my life, to my desires, to my time, so that I can fight this cancer.

In order to live, I must die. Seems vaguely familiar, no? It's a pretty poignant example for what it means to follow Jesus. I would have simply preferred the flannel-graph metaphorical version. But let's face it, none of really ever paid attention to flannel-graph.

I must agree with @jaredcwilson, who shared via twitter this morning,"This is good for my sanctification. This is good for my sanctification. This is good for my sanctification."

I already know this deep down. I just have to get over myself and truly accept it.

One August Day filled with Faith and Doubt

This is a long post, I know. In fact, let's not even call it a post. This is a short essay.

I suppose I've been negligent in my updates regarding my health for several different reasons. On one hand, I had to learn to protect my time and not become overwhelmed with blog posts as I had been for awhile. Life goes on, bills need to be paid, need to see my 'real-life' friends, and not spend all of my time pulling a Doogie Howser by sharing my feeling online at the end of each and every day. But nevertheless, I want to keep you updated as to what has been going on because so many of you have been, and continue to be, so faithful to pray to our Lord on my behalf. For that, I can't thank you enough. In the meantime, I want you to know that His grace has indeed been more than sufficient for me.

In August of 2010, Amy and I went back to University of Michigan to get another MRI. So much had been happening before and during that time of year. Amy and I (as well as friends, family and most likely strangers) had been so focused on praying for physical healing before this check-up. We knew that God was in the middle of doing something big. Strange events had been happening that I won't go into detail on right now. But we could feel God was by our side, going through this event with us, preparing us for the next MRI. We had been praying intensely with such childlike faith that we simply expected the doctor would come back and tell us that... 'I have no idea what happened, but the tumor is gone!". And we wouldn't even be surprised. We would say... "Well, of course it's gone, our God is a healing God, duh?"

The Dr. came back with the MRI results and told us that everything was looking just about the same. Hmm. While some minor shifting had occurred, it didn't appear to be growing or shrinking or doing anything for that matter. Just hanging out in my head. Amy and I were obviously pleased because things had not worsened, but there was definitely a feeling of (and I feel strange saying it) but... disappointment.

Was I disappointed in God?

There IS a Next Step

There IS a next step.

I must admit I've been running from it. In the past year and a half, my mind has been a pendulum on issues of faith, purpose, relationships, meaning, work, etc... I've considered (and accepted) thoughts I never would have predicted and eliminated thoughts I never thought possible. This is the type of reconstruction I assume comes from massive life-changing events, or possibly during those moment of clarity half way through life when you analyze everything and every person around you and begin evaluating their meaning. Then four months pass and you realize you have to start over and try again.

I was silently scared of this grey zone, this bermuda triangle of thinking, where no matter what answer you come up with you still felt lost for a directional heading. It's not that I've reconsidered all that I knew (or maybe I did that too) but a year and a half later you eventually settle on your core centers and beliefs. Now it's time to reconsider the smaller items, the patterns, the habits, the rituals that, over time, add up to make individual lives. I've spent months reconsidering these items I would have preferred to look past in an attempt to 'make things normal again'. But things will never go back to 'normal' again. At least that is what I'm hoping for.

It's been painfully valuable, but I'm starting to become appreciative of this time where no stone can go unturned. I don't know what it would take in your life to go through this, but it's worth it. Seems like I've been through a deconstruction. I feel like a city recovering from a bombing raid. For a while you mourn, become angry, gather your thoughts, consider the damages, throw things away, make amends, but eventually... you realize that it's time to rebuild.

And now, I am coming to this place of action. The type of action where I've run so many ideas around the block a few times to see if they have any legs, and eventually you decide to start making small steps forward. However, these steps are in new directions and you're unfamiliar with what happens next. No, things can't go back how they used you be. You tried that. You can't pretend that certain life lessons learned in the bright light of reality can be unlearned if enough time passes. It's not time to go over again what happened in the past, not to re-analyze my current situation and/or possibilities, but to take steps forward and when necessary, make slight changes to this new vector.

Bringing the Story to Chicago

It has been incredible to share God's story over the past year. I say this story belongs to God because... well, I never would have written it this way. Seems to me He's writing His own story and was kind enough to invite me in. In the past 12 months, God has been gracious enough to stir up some opportunities for me to share this story at universities, churches, cancer support groups and even an elementary school in the middle of an Ohio cornfield.

I must say I was shocked when Ben Arment wrote me an email and asked me to speak at Story Chicago. The event will be held at Park Community Church on September 23-24. It's such an honor to be sharing with such an amazing group of speakers.

• Dan Allender - best-selling author, professor at Mars Hill Graduate School
• Charlie Todd - creator of Improv Everywhere in New York City
• Princess Zulu - AIDS victim from infancy, advocate for the oppressed
• Jason Fried - founder of 37Signals, creator of Basecamp, author of Rework
• John Sowers - president of Donald Miller's The Mentoring Project
• Shauna Niequist - former creative director at Mars Hill, author of Bittersweet
• David Hodges - formerly of the band Evanescence, award-winning songwriter
• Leonard Sweet - futurist, author of 40 books, professor at Drew University
• David McFadzean - creator of Home Improvement, producer of Roseanne
• Richard Walter - accomplished screenwriter and professor of film at UCLA
• Sean Gladding - member of Communality, a new monastic community
• Andrew Klavan - author of True Crime (Clint Eastwood) and numerous novels
• Gary Dorsey - founder of Pixel Peach Studio in Austin, TX
• Music by Vicky Beeching, Kari Jobe and Carlos Whittaker

All of the tickets are sold out, but I would ask that you would pray for me as I "tell the story", because as you can see from those I'll be sharing with... I'm completely out of my league! Feel like I was just called up to the pros! I must admit I feel the pressure to stay 'smart' things, use clever analogies and be funny. That's how I typically deal with this type of stuff. But I must remember that the only thing God has called me to do is be a witness. Just tell the story of what is happening. That is enough.

Check out the legit website for Story Chicago.

Dear Cancer (with explicit lyrics)

(Side-note: This was my personal letter I wrote to cancer after one-year. I wasn't going to share it, but after reconsidering, here it is.)

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Dear Cancer,

About one year ago, June 7, 2009, we were introduced. I admit it was a bit of a shock because I was unaware you had actually known me for around 10 years or so, silently growing without my knowledge. Nevertheless, to become fully aware of you now and see the black and white x-ray evidence of your presence in my brain was the beginning of a new chapter (if not an entirely new book).

Honestly, it makes sense to me why you grew quietly and slowly in my brain. You didn't go after my lungs or my liver. And I'm really not surprised that of anywhere to appear in my body, you chose to focus on the one area of my body that I hold the most dear, the heart of my identity - my ability to communicate, to speak, to write, to think. It's strangely peculiar you've positioned yourself in a such a fashion that both of my speech centers are affected with the strongest malignancy lying in the nerves that connect the two, a strategic position to keep my thoughts from coming out of my mouth.

Of course it would have been in your best interests to continue to grow quietly for 6 or 7 more years from now when they told me that you've grown too far and there's 'nothing left to do'. But you, cancer/evil/sickness/illness, you have made a grievous mistake.

You showed your cards too quickly.

One Year

I've probably written about 4-5 blogs in my head over the past few days regarding this one-year mark. Each of them have varied in topics, length and intensity levels. But to be honest, I'm really not sure which one belongs here. All I know is that I should probably post something even though I'm a few weeks late.

So, I just wanted to say Thank You. (Can't go wrong with that, right?)

Thank you to my wife, my family and my friends. Thank you to so many of you out there (most of you I don't even know) that have been praying for me. Thank you to the medical staffs that have helped me. Thank you to my Mayo families - the Wilson, Cass, Fagan and Finch families. Thank you to the churches, universities and support groups who have invited me to share my story. You have each participated in my healing. Thank you to Dot&Cross whose grace has been pretty amazing over the past year. Thank you Micah-the-magician and Dr. Fan.

Things are going rather well regarding my health. I am in round 5 of my alternative treatment schedule. Each round goes for 25 days of heavy enzyme supplements with a 5 day off-cycle. Still detoxifying each day (enemas and sauna) and trying to stay close to my diet, but I'll admit, it's super-tough. In previous cases this type of treatment has lasted from 12-18 months, so we'll see how much time my body needs to make the turn.

I plan on having another MRI later this summer. The last MRI check-up was in November and there was no growth in the tumor which was a great success. We are once again praying for shrinkage this next time around. Considering I started my enzyme treatment in February, we'll see if those have been working to tear apart the tumor.

If you are up for it, I would ask that you would continue praying. I think that year 1 has been about understanding what-the-crap just happened to me. I think Year 2 is going to be a 'fall-out' year or a year of results. Meaning, many of the things I've been learning, the concepts I've wrestled with, the physical battles I've faced and the impact they are having on me will all start to fall into place and take form. That sounds scary in some ways, but it's good. It's the next chapter. I don't really know what year 2 looks like right now. I think it's going to be pretty different from Year 1.

Operation 55-Zebra - Year 2

Away we go...

Can We Eat to Starve Cancer?

TED is a small nonprofit devoted to Ideas Worth Spreading. It started out (in 1984) as a conference bringing together people from three worlds: Technology, Entertainment, Design. Since then its scope has become ever broader.

In a recent presentation, William Li presents a new way to think about treating cancer and other diseases: anti-angiogenesis, preventing the growth of blood vessels that feed a tumor. The crucial first (and best) step: Eating cancer-fighting foods that cut off the supply lines and beat cancer at its own game.

In my own fight against brain cancer, I have visited 6 highly-trained neurologists at 3 extremely prestigious medical facilities and asked each of them a simple question: "Does diet make a difference in a fight against cancer?"

Every single one of them said, 'No'.

You can look back to one of my previous posts about Metabolic Medicine where I discussed that my current treatment is not focused on fighting the symptoms of cancer (my brain tumor), but fighting the cause or origin of my cancer. And I firmly believe that cancer is halted and/or progressed by what we put in our stomach. I also believe there are a few other elements that you can read more about in the post linked above, but diet is the #1 way to fight cancer before it begins.

The good news for William Li is that he has an audience ready and willing to listen because each of them paid around $8,000 to sit in this audience. The bad news is that he has an uphill battle to fight against all of the institutions in place who will lose money if the public starts believing that what he is saying is true. And as we know, big business and modern medicine loves to put up a good fight...

The other bad news for William Li is that this idea is several thousand years old which makes a presentation at an 'emerging trends convention' kind of silly, but nonetheless someone needs to continue preaching this message. If you don't have time to watch the entire thing, William basically says that the best practices for fighting cancer before it begins, and/or reversing cancer if you are currently battling it, can all be picked up at your local grocery store.

Enjoy.

Metabolic Medicine 101

I am super-excited you are here to read this post! Sit down, put the phone on mute, order a venti-grande-jumbo whatever and let's do this thing...

Still with me? Cool. If for whatever reason, it's your first time to this blog and you have little to no idea why you are here, click here to read a general overview of the journey that brought me to this post. If you hate the internet, I have decided to copy>paste this post into a PDF that you can download and read at your leisure.  Download Metabolic Medicine 101

This explanation of how I am choosing to fight my brain cancer is a collection of reading books, research articles and personal cancer blogs. I have also critically considered a variety of documentaries (pros and cons) covering this issue. I am taking into account discussions with neurologists, oncologists, radiation specialists, cancer patients, cancer survivors and the remaining family members of those whose lives cancer has taken.

But know this most of all, the explanation of why I am choosing this path of treatment is that an number of people have joined me in praying that the Living God would give me wisdom in how to address and treat my cancer. I believe in a God who has individually created me, knows the number of days I have left on this earth and has mysteriously allowed / designed this cancer specifically for me. I can firmly say that this cancer, a circumstance that no one (including me) ever hopes for, has become a gift. I am not angry at God. This experience has become an entirely new way to view and understand Him.

Honestly, despite the fiery trials and doubt that continually press into me, I still consider it a joy to face this struggle because above all else, it teaches me to rejoice in the physical and social sufferings that were endured by Jesus Christ. And as the 1 Peter 4:13 says, one day His glory will be revealed and at that time those who suffered alongside Him will rejoice and be glad, because during those fiery trials, they were not concerned about wealth, comfort, social status or even personal survival, but glorifying God with their lives.

If you're about to quit reading because you think I'm crazy, finish this paragraph and then I bid you adieu. Please know there is a God who, even though it's hard if not impossible to understand, is bigger than the illness, natural disasters, injustice and suffering that any human encounters and somehow throughout these experiences... no, maybe even because of these experience, we somehow begin to understand and even experience peace, forgiveness, love, faith and hope. Personally, given the opportunity to return to my old life with my old understanding of God, I would not choose it. If that makes me crazy, so be it.

So my wife and I press forward in faith to live the lives that we would never have imagined (mainly because we never would have chosen this), but lives that God has specifically set us apart to live. Should my decisions end in life or death, I am not concerned. However, like the great stories of faith in the Bible, God says in the book of Hebrews that those who live and die lives of faith, that they desire and ache for a better place, a heavenly place and God says that He is preparing that place for them. And when they arrive God says 'He will not be ashamed to be called their God'. So we press forward in faith knowing that no matter the results of our time spent here, there is a better place for us with a God who says that He will be proud to welcome us home. That is what living this life is all about, even when it doesn't make sense.

Do you see what I'm getting at? Let's be honest... I've been given the opportunity to share my story by writing this post and briefly holding your attention because I have cancer and it's natural for humans to gather around other humans enduring suffering. But the real story is so much bigger than me or my story or suffering.

Please don't miss THAT story! If you miss that story, you've missed the point altogether and you'd be better off reading The Hardy Boys right now.

(Exit Soapbox)

God gives wisdom to those who ask for it. We have prayed for wisdom on how to approach this cancer treatment and feel that the Holy Spirit is guiding us to choose this path. We're cool with the fact that maybe you disagree with us or think there is a better option available. Your personal story may have started or ended very different than this so we can only speak for ourselves.

Diagnosis: Malignant Cancer of the Brain; Grade II - Oligoastrocytoma

Conventional Treatment Recommendation: Since the tumor is inoperable and resection is not possible, reduce the size of the symptomatic tumor through an ongoing combination of radiation and chemotherapy.

Chosen Alternative Treatment Recommendation: Considering the symptomatic tumor is the result of cancer causing activities happening throughout the body and overcoming the immune system, focus on returning the body to health by restoring it's natural self-regulating capabilities. (Kinda like training wheels until I get enough speed to continue on my own momentum...)

Treatment Length: Up to 18 months

Basic Treatment Steps of Metabolic Medicine:

1. Diet - Similar to my current diet. No canned or processed foods. Everything organic. Cooking with all stainless steel, no microwaves, all filtered water for drinking, cooking, showering, etc...
   
2. Detox - Coffee Enemas and Infrared Saunas. (Yes, you heard correctly. Coffee Enemas! That'll keep you reading!)
   
3. Supplementation - Bolstering body's natural pancreatic proteolytic enzymes through oral supplements. These enzymes focused on entering the bloodstream, locating the tumor and digesting the specific protein of the tumor mass without harming the body's healthy tissues.

If you are interested in reading more about this alternative treatment, please continue reading or return to the top to download and read later because I'm only gettin' warmed up...

Mentally Prepping for Treatment

Have I ever told you about one of my all-time favorite Bible stories? It's a random one...

In 1 Samuel 14 (this is pre-King David), we find Jonathan, the son of Saul leading the Israelites in their fight against the Philistines. But similar to David, Jonathan had a courageous understanding of what it meant to have the Living God on your side. He knew that this Living God kept His promises to the Israelites and He had instructed them to fight the Philistines despite the fact that the odds of a successful victory were, statistically speaking, ridiculously low. Considering these odds, Saul and the Israelite army camped out, waiting to see what was going to happen next.

Yet Jonathan (who actually trusted that God would do as He said He was going to do) went to fight anyway. And maybe this is why I like this story... Jonathan had so much courage that the Lord would back him up that he didn't wait for the rest of the army. In fact, he didn't even ask Saul the King if he could go fight, because he knew what Saul would have said, 'No!'. I suppose he took the approach that it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission and decided to go fight by himself. So he grabbed his armor bearer and the two of them approached the enemy ranks. And I'm blown away by what Jonathan says next...