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I love my cancer

Unfortunately, I really don’t have that much to say today. In fact, this day has snuck up on me. I’m sure the majority of you have heard all of my stories a thousand times, but I think it's time for me to start living out a story that has been actively brewing in my mind for a few years now. And there is no easy way to get this off my chest, so I'll just say it out loud:

I love my cancer. I am at peace with my cancer. 

I assume those words mean something similar to an athlete who says he “loves” the sweat pouring from his body during his muscle-destroying training. Or a solo cellist who “loves” his rigorous practice schedule. Or a mother who “loves” watching her disabled child develop, despite the overwhelming struggles it brings every day. It's a strange kinda love. A love you never really considered, but a love that snuck up on you, that has attached itself to you, that won’t let you go.

I feel strange saying it, but in my life, it’s true: I love my cancer. I am at peace with my cancer. I'm tired of trying to "battle it," to "outthink it," to "destroy it." I'm fine to walk with it for a bit longer and if it chooses to stay or to leave, I'll accept that. As the scripture tells us: "Can anyone of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" Pretty sure the rhetorical answer to that question is 'no.' 

I feel as though I'm being called, more and more strongly each day, to do something unique. It's a similar feeling as to when I had to write my own book, Thank You Kung Fu, or start up my nonprofit, Bent Not Broken. But in order to reach that next step, I have to have the right heart. And as days go by, I realize the only thing I can do that truly means anything is to embrace love and peace.

So as I move forward, today, tomorrow, maybe even another day if the Lord sees fit, all I ask for are more moments to show and receive true love and true peace. I'm sorry, I'm wearing these words thin on reporting about a half-witted thought. So I'll just end with this:

Thank you for the love and peace you've offered me over the last ten years. You have no idea how much you have changed me. I hope I get to see you again soon. I’ve got a giant bear hug I've been planning to give to you.

Love and Peace, my friends.

My Daughters Are Seizing

The only thing seizing today are my girls after they discovered they are going to Disney World in a month!

Today is their birthday (Marian is 5 and Viola is 4) and we thought this would be the perfect time to tell them. We never would have been able to do this, but our dear friends Seth and Chris invited us and HOW ON EARTH CAN YOU SAY NO TO THAT?! So we'll probably be spending the majority of the next month showing them youtube videos of all the different things they will get to do there.

This trip reminds me of when I went to Disney World when I was in 5th grade and my dad FORCED my sister's and I to wear fanny packs with my parents' contact information in the pockets. I thought he was crazy then, but you better believe I'll be doing THE EXACT SAME THING when we go (and I'll also be wearing a fanny pack on my own volition).

This month has been unbelievably crazy. Lori sold The Sparrows building (coffee shop is still there) on Wealthy St. to help repay the debt we acquired from opening (and closing) our second shop on Bridge Street. I swallowed my final chemo pills last week on the same day I was being interviewed for a quite interesting (part-time) job, and yesterday my doctor reported that my MRI shows that my tumor is just hanging out which is fantastic news!

But I feel like I'm caught in a whirlwind right now. My girls continue to grow with marks on the wall to prove it, my wife is doing amazing things to "up" her business, but I feel like every day for the past year has been such a struggle for me to get out of bed due to these chemo meds. The only thing that has saved me is my doctor prescribing me with Adderall right before I took my trip to Japan. Hey cancer folks! If you are on chemo, ORDER YOUR DOCTOR TO PUT YOU ON ADDERALL. Sure, it may be low dose speed, but it's the only thing that saved me over this past year.

I'm still trying to focus on Bent Not Broken, but it's just so hard to raise money for an event that nobody has ever seen before! The event costs $25,000 total and it's such a struggle to raise that money. Now I'm officially positive my spiritual gift is NOT to raise money, but to spend it in awesome ways! Ha! If you have a person with cancer in your life, it would be amazing if you could donate $1,000 to pay for them (and their personal supporter if they choose to bring them) to attend.

YOUR donation will include lodging for two nights, amazing vegetarian food, cancer survivor stories, lessons in stress reduction, cancer-friendly exercise including yoga, watching a fantastic documentary named, "Heal," comedians who have been through cancer, musicians who have been through cancer, and enough marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers to keep us up all night sitting around a campfire laughing and crying as we share our stories.

Go here to learn more about sponsoring a survivor!

It's a TRULY magical event. Something I needed SO badly when I was initially diagnosed, but could never find. I was going to find an inspirational quote to go here, so I looked and found that T-Pain says it best, "Once people tell me I can't do stuff, I'm going to go and make it happen." Stay tuned and see what God can do when His people take risky chances in His name... I'm scared as shit, but I refuse to back down. 

But before then, we will be hosting a gathering at The Old Goat here in Grand Rapids. If you have cancer, we are welcoming you and your family to join us for an amazing night of vegetarian food and music by, "Third Coast Dgypsy Jazz." If you'd like to sign up to come, go here. If you want to just show up, please do! This event is for YOU and we are counting on our local businesses to make it FREE for you!

And also! We will be holding my 10th cancerversary party on June 7th at Sandy Point Beach House! Again, feel free to show up after 5:00-ish as we celebrate my "I Am Still Alive" victory by flipping off a lovely cake!

Great to be back here writing, throwing up my guts for you once again. Need to do this more often. Until then, I'll be working on my Mickey Mouse voice to appease my daughters for the next month.

Here we go again!

Goodness gracious, I am so frickin' scared right now...

I just announced the next Bent Not Broken's event and I feel like I'm lost in a desert. I KNOW this idea came from God and I know that the people who attended the first Gathering truly enjoyed it, but everytime I try to move something important forward into the world it is always through dark cobwebs of fear and doubt. As with the first event, I'm going to need A LOT of help, prayers, and cash from those of you who support this cause!

If you want to catch up with Bent Not Broken, we just posted our newest video asking for donations:

Nevertheless, we have been blessed to have our next event at Onsite Workshops, near Nashville, Tennessee! It will be August 2-4th and AGAIN, will be FREE to cancer survivors! It's such an amazing space!

Check this out... "Located in a beautiful ranch-like setting in the breathtaking rolling hills outside of Nashville, TN, Onsite provides a safe, loving, family environment where guests can break the cycles that hold them back and rediscover themselves and their relationships. We are committed to creating the highest quality experience possible through our passion, innovation, and service. Known for many years as the worldwide leader in therapeutic and personal growth workshops, our primary goal is to help each guest reach their full potential of emotional freedom."

I LOVE IT! I couldn't have asked for a better partner to host this next gathering. Everyone I have spoken to there has been so kind and is cheering us on to throw another great event! BUT, we still need donations, and I'll be going after them in a new city with new people to ask, so the stress level is already starting to steam up. 

But if God chooses to keep me on this planet, He's going to have to deal with me continuing to shoot for the moon! He asked me to help those who have struggled as I have, so I have formed, what I believe to be, the best get-away for cancer survivors in existence. If you don't believe me, check out our survivor videos!

Survivor Lisa Bade:

 

Survivor Tina Derusha: 

 

Survivor Bari Simon:

 

In fact, here is a photo of everyone from our 2018 gathering at the Franciscan Life Process Center thanking you from the bottom of their Bent Not Broken hearts!

Alright, enough already... I ask that those of you who have been following my story would know that THIS is the next part of my story! So to start this whole thing up again is showing me that I AM STILL ALIVE! It seems like a risky life, wading through these cobwebs, but I'll take it!

If you'd like to donate, you can go to bentnotbroken.org and click on "Donate Now," you can mail your donation to the main office at 200 Holmdene Blvd. NE Grand Rapids, MI 49503, or you can call me and I'll take your donation over the phone: six-one-six, three eight nine, four zero four zero.

Oh! And if you're new, check out my book at Thank You Kung Fu and it'll catch you up!

Lost In Translation

I truly hope you were able to keep up with my trip to Japan! It was a beautiful mess of an adventure, but I *think* I've finally figured out why...

When you go to a different countries/continents, you can "see" the differences. When I was in Morocco, Slovakia, or Uganda, you could "feel" the differences of those countries, as opposed to the US; everything from the dress, the shapes of the land, the buildings in the cities, etc... But when I stepped off the train I entered New York City,  no... Tokyo! It felt like these cities were SO similar, BUT they were also so different! (However, I CAN say Tokyo was much cleaner.) 

My first "experience" of Tokyo was when I exited my train exactly where Shibuya Crossings is! (That's the Times Square of Tokyo.)

Practically no one speaks English and asking for directions is quite a chore. I tried to translate my words but they were always off. But STILL, all of the billboards were in English, people had English words designed all over their clothes, everyone is wearing Nikes, it's absolutely ridiculous. On top of that, coffee shops weren't open until 10:00 am so every morning I went on a desperate search for caffeine! But truly, I loved my time there!

Here are a few more images of the countryside, amazing coffee shops, "perfect" records and whisk-y bars, Tokyo's famous AND tallest Skytree; with a few views of the city and Mt. Fuji peeking out over the evening clouds.

In the middle of the "work" part of my trip, my fixer/guide Toshio and I drove north toward Tōhoku and the Fukushima nuclear power plant. We toured multiple holy locations (temples, shrines, sanctuaries) and drove across massive amounts of land that were STILL completely destroyed by the tsunami in 2011. We passed acres and acres of trash that were covered in, what looked like, Hefty garbage bags. They were actually storing radioactive dirt that couldn't be taken anywhere, so they were doomed to sit there for the next 30 years. 😬

But of course, cheers to my new best friend/fixer/guide, Toshio, and to the food... LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU BOTH!!!

 

I Think I'm Turning Japanese (I really think so)

First off, I have no idea why people have issues with long flights. I had a chance to watch THREE movies I've been dying to watch (wihout being interrupted by my girls), all while being served moist toilettes for my face, unlimited alcohol, and (if you've read my book) tons of plane food (meh...). NEVERTHELESS, I felt like a King in Coach!

I'm staying at the Millennials. It's a pretty amazing hotel (hostel) in Shibuya and just a few blocks from the famous "Times Square" of Tokyo; Shibuya Crossing. Took this quick shot when I actually realized where I was when exiting the train station. More photos to come.

This may seem quite weird to you, but this is my room. One bed, luggage stored beneath it, lockbox for important items, hangar bar in corner above bed. I was also given a custom made bag for The Millennials with a toothbrush, towel, slippers, and tissues. This tiny little closet room has everything I need and nothing I don't need. All other amenities are shared, including a lovely lounge, bathrooms, showers, laundry, etc...

Not only that, but I was also given this iPhone which has all of the controls to my room, including the fan, lights, and the ability to turn my bed into a sofa. Not only that, but it has a specific attachment that I can swipe past the door on the front of the building to let me in late at night.

Considering I'm shopping in Japanese mecca, I stopped by a few hard-to-find stores today including Bathing Ape (which had brand new shoes on a conveyor belt rotating underneath the glass floor when you walked in). I was looking for gifts for my girls and came across this section of the store. You'd be in shock if you could have seen the prices for these toys below. Only in Japan...

 And of course, I ended the night at a local's suggestion for good pork ramen. And yes, it was indeed a wonderful suggestion...

Notes so far:

1. There is no formula for looking around and asking for directional help. I went to a person who looked like me = no help. I want to a average aged businessman = no help. However, a kind old lady heard who I never would have asked, spoke perfect english and helped me out. (Should be noted, it is possible they just didn't want to help and pretended as though they didn't speak English.)
2. Just because they are wearing a shirt, hat, pants, and shoes all with English writing, does not mean they speak English.
3. As I was walking I saw multiple examples of this strange "booze-rule." American WhiskEy is spelled with an E and Japanese Whisky does not include that E. Continually seeing this as I was wandering past WHISKY bars all night made me remember...

 

Good News? No! Great News!

Yesterday, I broke the hospital by getting an MRI at 10:00 and then returning at 3:00 to hear the results. To be honest, I felt good about this MRI because, despite the chemo, my body has been feeling “less burdensome” of late.

Not to mention, they’ve somehow downgraded their non-member pandora to a station where the only things you can choose from are: country, christian, classic rock, light rock, etc… I went with classic rock and came to the realization that I should had have the Queen station playing for every MRI I've ever been through! I have no idea how I stayed still through Bohemian Rhapsody.

So at 3:00 this is the image they gave me!

As you can see, there are three images here. The one on the far right is from April, the middle one was from June, and the one of the far left was from yesterday. And as you can see, there has been MAJOR SHRINKAGE! WOOOO HOOOO!!

As much as I hated starting up chemo, it has gone on to prove its worth. Of course the doctors have asked me to stay on it, but I just hate how tired I always feel. I mentioned that I have a massive project coming up and was concerned with being too tired to create, so they prescribed me with adderall. I took it this morning and have already solved the necessity for black matter, the actual age of the universe, and the physi­ological root of consciousness.

On top of the joy from my adderall filled and tumor shrinking brain, today is Etta’s birthday! She is two years old! Don’t tell her, but we’ve gotten her some flip-flops (so she stops stealing them from our other girls), a backpack (so she stops stealing them from our other girls), and a small little vehicle with a wagon/trailer attached (so she stops stealing them from our other girls). 

In addition, my parents will be in town for a wedding so they’re excited about being a part of our birthday festivities (which could potentially mean a date night for Lori and I!).

Great news about my shrinking tumor, great news about Etta’s birthday, great news about this weekend’s wedding, and great news about my new project! Life is good!

* This post was created in 19 seconds. Thank you adderall.

*Partial* Independence Day

Hello to those of you who are still checking in!

First off, I just wanted to report my entire family came and visited Grand Rapids to celebrate the 4th of July. My parents spent WAY too much money on all of us (movie tickets, fancy pasta ingredients, Tree Runner amusement park passes, zoo passes, and so on...) but in the end, we created some fantastic memories we will cherish forever. Not to mention we learned the gender of my younger sister's baby! But we promised to keep it a secret until she ready to announce it, so stay tuned!

And while we had a blast celebrating the birth our of nation, I have to admit I have killed off a bit of my own freedom. I feel I've been struggling to report this news, but as I've previously said, I wanted to share everything I've been going through. 

In 2009 I, quite loudly, declared that I was going to face this cancer only through alternative treatments. And in that journey you would not believe some of the things that were offered to me. Everything from being offered magical crystal stones, to chiropractic work where the doctor (as he fixed your back) would tell you of all your previous lives, to checking prices on flights to go to magical lakes around the world with special healing water that was shown to heal incurable diseases. All I can say is that I've learned a lot of what the alternative world offers be it right or wrong. *And of course, as I'm typing this, my wife sends me this text: 

“One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.” - Andre Gide

But as many of you know, I went through radiation in the summer of 2015. It took half of my hair and half of my memories, but the doctors said it, technically, "saved my life." Recently I've had a few more seizures. The one in front of Sparrows coffee shop where Lori and I were in the van and just before I put the car into "drive," I started seizing as my foot pushed the accelerator all the way to the ground. Ugh...

Then there was the seizure in the middle of the night where I woke to see multiple firemen standing around my bed. Maybe a dream for some of you ladies out there, but not for me. And due to these events, I have been convinced that I need to give up driving. Sold the BMW and am now on foot... But the struggle continues considering the most important people in my life have all told me I need to start taking chemotherapy. 

I hate to say it, but now I am taking chemotherapy. I was prescribed to take five pills each month. Now, I know others have gone through the IV method, and props to you because I have heard of the miserable effects that has on the body. Cheers to each one of you! But I just wanted to let you know that I'm now on chemo, and I'm trying so desperately hard not to hate every single second of it. All of the rumors are true, it simply wrecks my soul. My body hurts, my brain is in a funnel, 

And to add onto this horrific demonizing pill, it appears it is working. A recent MRI shows my brain is now "less burdened." There has been a tiny bit of shrinkage which is the only thing allowing me to keep popping back these pills. I always have to come up with an explanation for why I'm doing these things, so here's the explanation for this: one day, when I'm sick, in the hospital, saying my "see ya laters," someone will ask, did chemotherapy work? And I will say, "ya know? I never took chemotherapy," which would make me feel like the dumbest man on the planet. So I figure if you're going to take it, take it when your body still has a chance to use it to it's full potential.

So I ask that you would pray for me, not for this cancer to be cured, but that I can have a better attitude about this chemotherapy which is, apparently, working right now. I didn't see it happening this way due to the miserable effects it has on my body, but who knows. As my mother always says, I just need to stay alive LONG ENOUGH until they do find a cure. Nevertheless, I do feel like I've lost a bit of my freedom to make my own choices. 

I hope those who have bought my book are enjoying it! I would love to hear your thoughts on it, so feel free to email me! If you are new to my journey, check out Thank You Kung Fu and purchase my book. That oughta catch you up!

Till then, love & peace...